• So nearly I gave up...until I found the water.

    THIS...today.


    Finally...I snapped out of it my funk. Yes...a complete and total paralyzing momentum stopping heart pounding mind racing self sabotaging funk! I finally had to say, "ENOUGH!"  I realized I've been "catfishing" my own damn self TO myself! How is that possible? It's possible because you tell yourself you're moving forward but you're on a treadmill. That's you're moving a mountain, one pebble at a time when in reality the pebbles are grains of sand washing away beneath your feet and rather than climbing up a mighty mountain side, you're sinking with every new wave.  That was me.


    Admiralty Park Spanish Point, Bermuda


    And then I went to the water.

    Admiralty Park Spanish Point, Bermuda

    I've been so tangled up in my own head that I've gotten in my own way. There have been days where I've missed LA so much I thought I'd made the wrong choice. There have been days were leaving a job I loved making $40+/hour for a job I needed at $10/hour made me wanna cuss someone out...so I settled for myself. I did damage to myself and to my belief that I can make my movie and make my dreams a reality. I've hurt myself...not physically but with the thinking that I was doing this alone.

     Mediterranean Sea, Barcelona Spain

    And then I went to the water.

     Mediterranean Sea, Barcelona Spain


    I grew up about 3 hours from Virginia Beach and enjoyed Atlantic.  I lived in LA and regularly hiked over the Pacific. Trips to Bermuda in the last couple of years have given me gifts of clear blue waters and tree frogs singing in the night.  Standing before the Mediterranean Sea...Moments of peace and clarity.  Well...WHERE THE HELL WAS ALL THIS PEACE AND CLARITY NOW??!!!  I needed a cleansing of all the bad stuff I was carrying because it was getting heavy!  I had stopped doing the things that gave me peace and clarity.  I closed off calming gateways and shut down.

    St. George, Bermuda



    And then I went to the water.

    Bermuda


    I drove to Savannah two weeks ago.  I stood on the beach and yell, "WHY ARE YOU SO BIG?!" That spider...Genesis...this ocean...this universe...Why are you so big? And the bigger you feel...the smaller I feel...and why are you so big? And why am I trying to control you? and WHY are you so big? I've been so knotted up in a ball because I want Genesis as I see it in my mind...in my heart...but it felt so damn big...it made me feel small...like I could fail and fall at any time. I was afraid...and I shut down.

    Bermuda


    And so I'm standing at the ocean's edge and I'm screaming out and suddenly I heard myself say "SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP!!" and I started laughing. I tickled myself because just as I have the power to talk myself into owning and carrying fear...I also have the power to tell myself to SHUT THE FUCK UP! And I laughed some more...

    Bermuda


    I've finally found the steam...the second wind...the inspiration...the energy...the heart...the fuel...the faith...the whatever it is to push forward...for GENESIS.  In the rolling rush of the reoccurring waves, I found my inspiration: the ocean says keep going and never stop. Get up and roll on.

    Solstice Canyon, Malibu, California


    I came back to Atlanta, refreshed.  I took up swimming at my gym, ironically, LA Fitness, and found a rhythm and wave in my back yard.  I called out...I reached out...I asked for help and it is here...waiting for me to call on it.  Thankfully they answered. Thankfully, I found my waters, here.

    "It always seems impossible until it's done."
    -Nelson Mandela

    Tybee Island, GA

  • 2 comments:

    1. Beautiful Terésa. Thanks for sharing, you continue to amaze and inspire me.

      ReplyDelete

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