OK...smh...I can't...
I'm thinking of doing an experiment and going back to a flip phone. Here's why:

TDV: Ok...so...which one are you gonna get?
Friend: I don't know yet. I'm still tryin' to decide.
TDV: It's a phone. It's a damn telephone.
Friend: Right, but how many gigs does it have?
TDV: :-|
Friend: And does it have a hotspot app?
TDV: :-|
Friend: And does it have gps?
TDV: :-|
Friend: And does it talk?
TDV :-|?
Friend: ...the gps. Does it speak to me...you know...tell me where to go?
TDV: :-|
Friend: And does it have a camera?
TDV: ;-|
Friend: And how many megapixels does it have?
TDV: :-|
Friend: And texting...can I save the thread? Can I voice text? Can I video text? Can I send media?
TDV: :-| ... :-|.... :-|
Friend: Can I get on Facebook, send tweets and post pics on Instagram?
TDV: :-|
Friend: And can I play games? You know I've GOT to play Angry Birds and Words with Friends...and Ruzzle...and...
TDV: Stop.
Friend: What?
TDV: (in my best Claire Huxtable voice) It's a phone. Does it ring? Can you hear the person on the other end?
Friend: Whatever man. You do all this stuff. You've got a smartphone too.
TDV: That freezes...crashes...drops calls...strangely sends text messages to the wrong people...sends the right text message to the right person HOURS after I sent it...drains my battery when I use the camera, music player, gps, or play games...and cost more than my electric bill or my gas bill or my grocery bill per month. Yep. Smartphone.

I need a SmartFriend...
who has gigs as in jobs...
if I'm with him or her, I'm AT the hotspot...
can roll with me and BE my gps...that speaks...
that takes pics of me and with me...with a Canon...or Nikon...lol...
will make videos with me
listen to music with me
and pass notes back and forth like we were in junior high...
who doesn't put EVERYTHING on FB, Twitter, or IG
and who doesn't play games.
(pause)
Friend: :-|
TDV: :-|
Friend: You gonna post that on Facebook, huh?
TDV: AND my blog! That sh!t was DOPE! ::shrugs shoulders::
Both: True.

;-)